An open letter from the mother of a bullied child Published on Tuesday January 01, 2013 By Ellie Advice Columnist Q: Last year, a large group of girls (led by two) locked my daughter, then 11, and her friend in a portable. When I reported it, nothing was done. One year later, the group of bullies is larger and stronger in their sense of entitlement and power. Only one girl admitted what had happened and apologized to my daughter. The others lied, denied and were openly hostile in front of the principal. We’re getting our daughter counseling, and requesting a school change, but this group will find a new target. Here’s my open letter: “To the parents and teachers of the children bullying my daughter: “My daughter was a confident young girl who adjusted well to change. She knows right from wrong and has a kind, sensitive heart. So when the invitations to birthday parties, sleepovers and get-togethers stopped arriving several years ago, she was confused and wept. She wondered why others hated her. “When her once-large group of friends became smaller and smaller, she wept. When her calls weren’t returned, when whispers began, when former friends showed she wasn’t liked or welcome, she wept. Her heart and our hearts were broken. The confident little girl slowly slipped away from us. “Teachers and principals, I ask you to look around the schoolyards and halls. What do you see? It may be subtle; it often is. But to my child, it’s colossal. “When a parent brings this to your attention, do you see another helicopter parent, or do you see parents of a child broken by other children at your school? “Can you see the possibility that even the child/children whom you like could be willfully hurting another child? Can you see that verbal slings and arrows are just as bruising as physical wounds? “Parents, I know it cannot be easy to hear that your child’s hurting another. Please stop looking for ways to blame my daughter. Please stop justifying your child’s bullying. You’re contributing to the problem by giving more power to your child. “Your indignation allows your children to continue ignoring their role and responsibility. “I allowed my child to meet with yours to discuss her feelings, to let your child witness, without the usual group of supporters behind them, the hurt being caused by your child’s behaviour I hoped it would affect real change. “My hopes died. Instead of learning, growing and changing, your child, strengthened by your outrage, continues to malign and harass. “My attempt, and my daughter’s attempt, to make this a ‘teachable moment’ failed miserably. The abusive behaviour rages on, fuelled by your righteous anger. “How would you feel as the parent of the child being bullied? How would you endure the nightly tears and the daily urge to keep your child at home? “You feel you’re protecting your child by defending them. However, ‘being behind your child’ doesn’t always mean you should blindly justify their behaviour. Certainly not by enabling and condoning anti-social behaviour. “Instead, ask your child questions about their interactions with others. If your child used to be a friend of my child, why did they suddenly stop being her friend? Who are their friends now? Have you checked your child’s digital footprint? (Don’t assume that nothing is going on. Kik is the new favourite and is being used to target my child.) “Address the bullying. Use meaningful, natural and logical consequences in order to protect my child and others from harm. My daughter’s life and happiness depend on it.” A Concerned Parent A: May your heartfelt plea be heard! TIP OF THE DAY Bullying affects all children, so long as it’s ignored and allowed to persist. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays at thestar.com/elliechat. Follow @ellieadvice.